Updated: Sep 8, 2019
Take This Marriage And Shove It……Honey!
Is a work in progress. It is a collaboration between Dr. Hewitt Bruce, Ph.D a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Allan J. Weltman, Florida Supreme Court Family Mediator and Mediation Trainer for Mediation Training Group, LLC.
Each month we will release a chapter, and send it to you by e mail. We hope this will be helpful to you and your spouse as your divorce moves through from the gather information stage, to filing your divorce in court.
If you would like a hard copy after publication, just send us an e-mail request, and we will send you one.
Dr Hewitt and Allan J. Weltman
Chapter 1 Confusion - Know What YOU Want!
No one wins in divorce - it matters little what the financial disposition of the court is. In total it is a losing proposition because most people do not know what they want and therefore will usually be disappointed in whatever outcome is achieved. What you may think you want, need, desire today in your marriage may be totally different tomorrow and because marriage and divorce are not panaceas for happiness, though many of us, men and women alike place the unrealistic burden and expectation for their personal happiness and satisfaction in the relationship of marriage. Therefore, it is ultimately doomed to failure before it even starts.
One reason that you, lose your money your house and develop life-long financial debts and obligations is because at best you are confused about whether-or-not you want to be in or out of the marriage. Unfortunately by the time you either wake up or are awakened you are in the middle of a divorce that you are not prepared for or in control of, and for sure even if you want it, you don't want it the way you are experiencing it.
I cannot stress enough the personal commitment and decision to want and aggressively pursue a divorce. If you are not pursuing or being the plaintiff you are at a disadvantage. You must be clear in your mind that this is something you
I realize that when you got married you probably believed this would be forever and that facing a possible failure or being wrong or things not being what you thought they would be is difficult to accept. If you are not clear about this, I strongly suggest seeking a competent psychotherapist (See Chapter on Therapy). The therapist you select can help you get clear on what you want and need and he or she may be useful in terms of saving the marriage as well. Some men and women rather than looking directly at the disappointment in the marital relationship will find themselves in one or more extramarital affairs. This is not dealing head on with the problem of dissatisfaction - this is merely a wimpy poor me way of complicating an already problematic situation. Is sex the real
problem in your relationship with your wife? Is it a problem of frequency (too or infrequent) or is it quality (too fast, too slow) or you just lost that attraction for her? Or is it other things that are coming into play that for one reason or another you are not relating to. Whatever it is, before you · begin an affair, attempt to talk to your wife about the problems you are having with her or seek help. If you are in
midst the of your first affair or one of many, end it before you get caught. One day sooner or later and probably in court you will be forced to deal with it and at great expense because it will no doubt be used against you.
The confused state is typically acquired and maintained due to the emotional states of fear and greed. These mental and emotional states may either be motivating or demotivating regarding alterations in the matrimonial state. If you are fortunate to be a parent of a child or children (ages less than 18) confusion of whether or not to get divorced at this time may be critical to you. Questions arise••• what impact will this have on their young and adult lives•••how often will I see them••• will they hate me••• How expensive will child support be and can I afford it until they are 18••• Who will want or be granted custody. Another good reason to visit a qualified and somewhat directive psychotherapist to get clear of your confusion(see Chapter on Child Support & Property) Getting clear, that is becoming unconfused, and knowing if you truly want a divorce or want to work it out is 90% of the battle. Deciding that you don't want a divorce at this time because ie: It would not look O.K. in the eyes of my boss, friends, family, ••• I'm not at the right point in my career to taka on a divorce at this time••• the kids are not old enough••• I don't really want to be alone (eating garbage is better than not eating at all) or anyone of a number of excuses AND not trying to make the marriage work or get back on a positive track will lead to an untimely divorce. Why? Because your spouse WON'T PUT UP WITH YOU AND YOUR UNCONSCIOUS ACTING OUT BEHAVIORS
ie: having an affair••• being rude privately/publicly••• being inattentive, drinking•••gambling•• excessively working•••being violent•••not helping with the kids, the house, shopping etc. They will help you out of your confused state and go for the divorce themselves and you don't want them to do that, it is not in your best interest.•• Many individuals do things unconsciously in order to provoke the spouse to seek a divorce because they are afraid/ guilty to ask for a divorce•••• DON'T YOU BE THAT PERSON! With all the above said I believe it is important that you know (as well as anyone who is reading this book to discover what we are scheming about) that I am not an advocate for divorce. On the contrary I am a diehard proponent of marriage and maintaining the marital agreement if at all possible. If not possible then I am for you to come out of the marriage smelling like a rose. Maybe not feeling like a rose initially but going through the
judicial system relatively unscathed.